


Won't ever give up cause you're still somewhere out there

by JuliaBaggins



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Spoilers for Pac Rim: Uprising, Internal Monologue, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-06 15:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14060166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaBaggins/pseuds/JuliaBaggins
Summary: If you have not seen the movie yet, you should probably not read this, cause there are Spoilers.Hermann's & Newt's POV on some scenes from Pacific Rim: Uprising.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, we just saw the movie, and I had so many ideas while watching already − here are a few of these; ideas about what might have gone through Newt and Hermann's minds.

It feels so strange, to see you again after all this time. To have you smile at me, so polite and yet so distant somehow, so unlike _you._ We walk towards my lab together, and I try not to think too much about the time when we used to have one that was ours instead. How very much we disagreed with this decision at the start, barely being able to stand being in the same room. And how I somehow came to enjoy it, your company, all your little quirks. 

I used to complain about the kaiju parts a lot, I know I did, and now I got quite a few myself, experimenting with their blood. Are you surprised by this? If you are, then you are not showing it. Did it ever cross your mind, how much our drift would affect our work on top of everything else? I was looking forward to telling you about my idea, and maybe I also wanted to impress you. Jäger flying with Kaiju blood, doesn't that sound just like the thing you would love? But you tell me that we won't need my idea anymore, because of the drones your company built. I try not to be disappointed, not with your reaction itself, and not with how much it shows all the things that have changed.

 

"But maybe we could talk about this during dinner - at my place?"

I try not to let this affect me, or at least not to show it. We haven't seen each other in so long, and now you're hiding behind fancy clothes (but not as fancy as they used to be, and while I'd like the clothes in general, I don't like seeing you in them, cause somehow it's not _you_ , not the rockstar scientist who saved the world in a leather jacket) and sunglasses that probably cost more than I make in a year. And I miss you, the old you, I miss my friend, and I miss us bickering, and is it bad to somehow miss those times of war? Because I never felt so much like what I did had a purpose, and I never met someone like you, and it's not like those thoughts are new, not when you appear in all my dreams, but seeing you here, so close that I could hug you, If I dared, somehow makes it worse. (While making it all better.)

And now you are inviting me, not only for dinner but for dinner in your home, and it feels like all those long years ago, when sometimes, I would allow myself to hope, to dream. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it is not too late yet?

"We really should do that, and then you could finally meet Alice"

Or maybe it just is. I got so lost in thoughts that I nearly missed what you were saying, and who is Alice? Why do you think of her when talking about your home, as if she'd be a part of it, and why do you say her name like _this_? God, I know why, but I don't wanna hear it. I don't want to think about you being happy at home with a lovely girlfriend. And you deserve it, Newt, you deserve all the happiness in the world, and knowing this makes me feel even worse about how jealous I am. Because this isn't us, never has been, never could be. I should just try to be glad for you, my friend, no matter how much it might hurt. 

Should I ask you about this Alice, would that be the expected reaction? I so very much don't want to know, but at the same time, I don't want this conversation to be over so soon. It has been so long, and there are so so many things that I want to tell you.

 

After a second of hesitation, I mention the nightmares. No details - I don't want to think about them, not more than I already do, not when I'm awake. I don't want to tell you how I see _them_ every night. See them hurting you. 

But maybe you know. There's a flicker in your eyes, and of course I know that you got nightmares of your own. How could one not have them, after everything we went through? 

And there's something else, something that nearly looks like guilt, and I don't like this. Not at all. I hate to see a look so pained in your eyes, and I wouldn’t have expected it to be there. Though maybe this would explain some things? Do you feel guilty because it was your idea to drift all those years ago; do you blame yourself about how it still affects me, haunts me, no matter that it was such a small price to pay for saving our world? Is that why you barely answered my messages, why you went away towards private money and fame and so many interesting people who aren't me? I wish we could talk, about all of this, but most of all, I wish we could talk about _us_. Because there still is an us, there has to be. Somehow, I can't bear the thought that this is what we are now, that it might be back to this once again. We were in each others heads; does this count for nothing? 

And I missed you, no matter that I don't find the words to tell you this.  
And I'm glad you're here, even if it's just as a critical colleague who tells me that my ideas aren't needed anymore.  
And I love you, no matter how you don’t feel the same.  
I just _do_. Maybe I always did. Probably I'll never tell you. But none of this changes the fact that I do.

And then you have to go, of course you do, because there's important business to do. I wish you wouldd stay, for now, or maybe a little longer than that. But I know myself well enough ~ I'll wait for you. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Yes, a drink, a drink does sound good. Something to calm down, to make all of this a little more bearable.

"Honey, I'm home!"

I barely remember the time when this wasn't home. I think I don't allow myself to, because it would hurt too much. Or maybe _they_ don't allow me to. But I shouldn't think about this, nope, this never ends well.

A memory tries to break to the surface of my thoughts, or no, this isn’t a memory per se, it is rather the memory of a dream that I used to have, a long long time ago. About saying those words, but towards someone else. Someone who used to _feel_ like a _home_ should. 

Hermann… There barely is his name, his face in my mind before all I see is bright blue, all I feel is electricity burning through me, and then it is as if my soul was trapped inside my own body, unable to control it, or even my mind. 

And I'm so alone. There was something I was thinking of, something important, but I can't remember… No matter how hard I try, I can't think back of whatever it was that once made me feel safe, so safe that a hint of this feeling still may be somewhere deep in my heart…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Sergey Lazarev's "You are the only one"
> 
> Thanks for reading!! ❤
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, I would be thrilled to hear that in a comment. And if you'd like me to continue it, please tell me! :)


	2. Chapter 2

I know that sometimes, they just take my body, stuff my consciousness away somewhere and use my muscles, even my knowledge, as if it were a database, but now, it isn’t like that. They _want_ me to see this, to feel it. 

I can see it in his eyes, the exact moment that Hermann understands it, and didn’t I use to love that expression in his eyes? The look he gets when he just solved a very hard problem, after being buried in nothing but numbers and chalk for weeks. Now, though, I don’t get to witness what used to follow – an explanation in my direction that’s delivered with just the hint of a smile. 

No, there’s a sense of horror that keeps growing in his eyes, and he’s screaming at me to stop this, and I know that I can’t. I would have done it, long ago, had I been able to. Right? I think that sometimes, they want me to believe I wouldn’t have, that this is what I wanted all along, but this is not true. In my life, I wanted quite a few things, which is especially easy to remember with who I’m facing now, but destroying the earth was never ever one of them. 

 

“I’m not strong enough”, my mouth tells him, and it’s been so long, I can’t even say for sure if that was me or if it’s them, making fun of us.

„You are-“, Hermann starts, and suddenly, I’ve moved. 

My hands are around Hermann’s throat. _Nononono._

I try to take them away, to step back, just anything to make this stop, but I can’t. I can feel the tears forming in my eyes, and their voices are in my head, louder than usual. They’re laughing.

“None of you are strong enough “, they’re mocking, while increasing the pressure in my fingers. 

Hermann’s hands have grasped mine, mine who are threatening his very life, and his touch is so gentle. It’s nearly as if his fingers would be caressing mine, and I don’t wanna read anything into this, least of all forgiveness or something like a goodbye, because it can’t end like this, but still – I’m chocking the man I’ve been loving for such a long time to death, and he’s not really fighting it. It’s breaking me, and they know it.

 

„I’m sorry Hermann… They’re in my head…“

Of course, Hermann already knows that, knows how they’re in control, but I need him to hear it anyway. 

_… and they won’t leave, and I’ve tried to fight them for so long, but I just can’t, and I never ever would hurt you, you must know this, please tell me you do, and I’m sorry for so many things… I shouldn’t have left, and I should have tried harder to tell you about them, to give you a sign, and most of all, I should have **told** you…_

None of these words leave my mind, because while I’m still struggling for just a bunch of seconds in control to say them (even a few of them - three already would be enough), Shao bursts in, gun raised. I feel them taking full control again, getting into fight mode. And I know that there’s not the slightest chance for me to talk now, but I still get a glimpse of Hermann, screaming at her to stop, and did he actually just..? 

I can’t see anything anymore, there’s nothing but pitch-black hopelessness, and I don’t know if I’ll come back, but I need to know, need to know that he’s okay, and before it’s too late, I need to tell…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _We're not who we used to be_   
>  _We're not who we used to be_   
>  _We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me_   
>  _Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_
> 
> \- from Harry Styles' "Two Ghosts", just because I think it somehow fits and I'm going to see him later today :D

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Sergey Lazarev's "You are the only one"
> 
> Thanks for reading!! ❤
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, I would be thrilled to hear that in a comment. And if you'd like me to continue it, please tell me! :)


End file.
